Pair-allels - A Short Play

CHARACTER LIST

BRODY: Twin Brother to OLIVER. Extroverted, Sensory, Gay just moved to Austin, TX from Colorado the past weekend.

OLIVER: Twin Brother to BRODY. Also gay, Introverted, Intelligent and witty. Agreed to be his brother’s roommate.

TOM: A guy Brody met at the bar the night before

ROBBIE: A guy Brody has been talking to on a dating app since before they moved. Brody also met him at the bar last night for the first time.

HOST(ESS): host(ess) of the Restaurant.

Time and Place: Apartment on a Saturday. Oliver finally finished unpacking all of the two’s things and is lounging on the couch meanwhile Brody is heard stumbling and come into the scene buckling his pants talking to Oliver.

SCENE 1 BRODY : Hey how‘s your morn- Hey. The place looks great!

OLIVER: Thanks, I just finished unpacking the last box a few minutes ago. Thanks for your help with that by the way.

BRODY: No need to be bitter. I actually have some exciting news.

OLIVER: (puts down his phone) Interesting and what is this exciting news that prevents you from unpacking boxes I wonder?

BRODY: Well thank you for asking. Do you remember the guys that I met at the bar last night when we went out?

OLIVER: Vaguely, it‘s a bit of a drunken haze. They were both named Ryan right?

BRODY: No! One was named Tom and the other was Robbie

OLIVER: (throwing his hands up in the air) Both generic white boy names, your type, I still think I was in the ballpark. (he sits back in the couch continuing to mess with his phone) Anyway what about them?

BRODY: I don’t have a type, but I‘m going out with Tom today and I wanted to get your opinion on where I was gonna take us?

OLIVER: Wait refresh my memory which guy is which.

BRODY: Robbie is the guy from Hinge I met a couple weeks ago before we moved. I went to meet him at the club last night, and Tom is the guy I met at the bar before he got there after you spilled my vodka soda... Wow you don’t listen, do you?

OLIVER: (Laughs) I do listen. And for the record that was an excuse. I spilled that vodka soda in my mouth. But I listen so well in fact that I remember, didn’t you say you had plans to hang out with Robbie today? Not Tom?

BRODY: Noooooo. I’m hanging out with Robbie Saturday genius. (Makes a funny face)

OLIVER: Today is Saturday genius! (Makes a funny face in response).

BRODY: No its not we got here on Thursday.

OLIVER: Yeah, Thursday night. Then we moved in Friday which was yesterday and went to that club. Today, is now Saturday.

BRODY: (checks phone) Oh goddamn it. What am I going to tell Tom!?

OLIVER: I don‘t know I‘m sure you‘ll figure it out with your big genius brain.

BRODY: Wait wait wait. I got an idea you could go on a date for me.

OLIVER: I‘m not going on a date for you. I don‘t even know who this guy is. You met him at a gay bar for christ’s sake.

BRODY: You won’t pretend to be me if you don’t want to, he only knows my name and number. Just say you got a new phone if the date goes well, and if not I’ll block him. (lightly shakes OLIVER’s shoulders) Come on, it’ll be perfect I‘ve been badgering you start dating guys anyway. You barely talked to anyone last night. You just stood in the back shielded by our friends, even when that guy tried to talk to you.

OLIVER: (Staring in space like he’s having a vietnam flashback) Yeah... I left my blind spots open when I chugged that vodka soda.

BRODY: (Scoffs) One crisis at a time we’ll get to your drinking problems later. Come on it‘ll only be one evening. If you like him you can keep dating him, and if not, at least you‘ll get a free lunch. (BRODY hands him his credit card) on me.

OLIVER: (Sighs) Look, I don‘t want to go out with someone you met at a bar what if he’s like an alcholic or something. Or worse a murderer, I could get kidnapped!

BRODY: We‘re 6 foot with like 200 pounds of muscle on us. I’m not saying you’re not cute little bro but I think you‘re past your prime kidnapping days.

OLIVER: And if he’s an alchoholic?

BRODY: (extends his hand with the card closer) Four vodka sodas Oli, and I had cut to you off.

OLIVER: (Pause) (He takes the credit card) So where am I taking him?

SCENE 2

Tom and Oliver walk into the restaurant and stand in line behind another couple waiting to be seated.

OLIVER: So have you ever been here before?

TOM: I haven’t, nice ambience. It is always like this?

OLIVER: Oh I’m not sure. It is really nice though.

TOM: Yeah, good choice. Wait, Not sure, I thought you said you had been here before?

OLIVER: Oh yeah I uhhhh- came here yesterday after I moved with my brother. I don’t know if they change it up regulary (chuckles nervously).

TOM: Oh that makes sense. Hey I didn’t know you live with your brother though!

OLIVER: Yeah it’s just cheaper that way, plus he’s like my best friend.

TOM: Awe that’s nice. I actually live with my brother too. we probably butt heads a lot more than you two do, but I agree. He’s my best friend.

They both smile at each other

OLIVER: Don’t be fooled I’m being nice about him right now, but we‘re at each other’s throats too. Guess that means we have something in common.

TOM: I guess it does. Mutual love and hate for our siblings.

OLIVER: Gotta keep it interesting somehow right?

The two laugh and the couple in front is taken to be seated so they move up to the hostess‘ podium.

HOST(ESS): Hi, table for two?

OLIVER: Yes. Under Oliver.

TOM: (Turns to Oliver) Oliver? I thought your name was Brody?

OLIVER: That’sssssssss my middle name. Oliver Brody Huxley. I just say that’s my name... in case... I meet weirdos at the bar. Sorry I meant to tell you.

TOM: Ohhhh. That makes sense, very smart of you.

HOST(ESS): I’ll take you to your table now.

Lights fade out and the scene changes to a restaurant table

SCENE 3

TOM: (Laughing) So then I fall in the trashcan FULL ‘Mean Girls‘ style, my legs go over my head, the trash can just falls over, and I just lay there.

OLIVER: (Amused) You just laid there!? For how long?

TOM: Like a full five minutes until the music teacher pulled me out by the leg. I just wanted to die after doing that in front of the class.

OLIVER: I can’t believe you fell into the trashcan just playing follow the leader (chuckles). That’s hilarious.

TOM: Okay okay. Now I get to know something embarrassing about you?

OLIVER: Mmm okay. (Makes a gesture to show he’s thinking for a sec) Oh! Remember that brother I told you about?

TOM: I do.

OLIVER: Well. We’re actually twins.

TOM: No way! My brother and I too! Fraternal, but still.

OLIVER: So you know what it’s like?

TOM: Totally! Do you guys- oh wait before we compare notes, your story?

OLIVER: Right right, one time when we were eight, I convinced him that our parents had cloned him so he wouldn’t be a lonely only child and that I was the clone.

TOM: Oh shit.

OLIVER: So he wakes up from a nap that night and I’m standing over him to freak him out and naturally he clocked me in the face!

TOM: What? Why?

OLIVER: He thought I was trying to replace him as the clone.

They both laugh

TOM: Hang on I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick.

Tom kisses Oliver

TOM: One for the road

Oliver sits there with a smile on his face for a minute. BRODY then sneaks up behind him

BRODY: Hey there.

OLVIER: That was quick. Did you fall into any trash cans Cady- AHHH!!

BRODY: (laughs) Gotcha. What was that about a trash-

OLIVER: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! (Oliver looks around and lowers his voice) Tom is going to see you!

BRODY: Relax he just went to the bathroom. So, how’s it going?

OLIVER: Awesome. He’s awesome, and he kissed me so I think the night is going good… Wait don’t distract me. Why are you here?

BRODY: I’m on my date.

OLIVER: You did not take your date to the exact same place I took mine? What if he sees you?

BRODY: He won’t see me. I strategically got my date and I a table that’s on the other end of the restaurant, away from the entrance and away from the bathroom. AND I’m facing the window so even if he does miraculously come by, he’ll only see the back of my head.

OLIVER: And if your date sees me on the way to the bathroom?

BRODY: He won’t see you. If he comes this way, he’ll only see the back of your head too.

OLIVER: Okay that makes me feel a little better…

BRODY: So, he kissed you huh?

OLIVER: Yes, and I’d like him to do it again so can you go back to your date.

BRODY: Okay okay shesh I’ll go I just had to run to my car to get my wallet real quick.

BRODY exits. A few seconds pass and Tom comes back

TOM: Hey there

OLIVER: (squints to make sure it’s Tom) That was quick. Did you fall into any trash cans on the way back Cady?

TOM: Haha screw you clone. (Tom leans in to kiss Oliver then sits back down) So did you miss me while I was gone?

OLIVER: Every second. It was really touch and go for a bit there.

TOM: (Laughs) Oh? So, we were gonna compare twin notes! And tell (TOM’s eyes look passed OLIVER)- Robbie!

OLIVER: uh… It’s Oliver actually… Wait did you just say-

TOM: No no my brother is here. Robbie! (Tom hollers and waves someone over).

OLIVER: Hold on wait wait wait. Your brother’s name is Robbie?

TOM: Yeah! Hey come here, there’s someone I want you to meet.

Robbie walks over

ROBBIE: Hey! What’re you doin’ here?

TOM: I’m on a date! (TOM gestures to Oliver) This is Oli-

ROBBIE: Brody?

OLIVER: (muffles) Son of a bitch. (Trying to shield his face with his hand) It’s Oliver actually

ROBBIE: Uhhh what’s going on?

TOM: Wait? Do you guys know each other?

OLIVER: Not exactly.

ROBBIE: Not exactly? We’re on a date.

OLIVER: Again, not exactly, you see you’re probably here with my brother Brody.

TOM: Wait your brother’s name is Brody?

OLIVER: I can explain this (OLIVER calls BRODY on his phone). Just one sec (He turns away from the brothers as the lines picks up) Get over to my table now!

BRODY: (Walking over to the table) Why what’s up I thought you didn’t want him to seeeee- Oh Son of a bitch.

OLIVER: Hey Bro. Guess whose brother I just met.

The brothers turn to look at BRODY

BRODY: (whispering) Wow I do have a type?... Now that I see them next to each other.

OLIVER: Yeah, I got that.

BRODY: So, should I be taking my card back?

Lights go out on the stage.

SCENE 4

OLIVER is following behind TOM as he speed walks to his car.

OLIVER: Please wait… Hey come on will you just hear me out, I’m sorry!

TOM: Look I’m not into whatever this is.

OLIVER: I didn’t mean to lead you on. I just took my stupid brother’s suggestion and thought this would be fun… and it was.

They both stop walking in the middle of the parking lot

OLIVER: Look you could definitely leave here and never come back. We just met so it probably won’t affect our lives much if at all, but I had a really good time with you tonight. I don’t get out much and it was just nice talking to you.

TOM: It was nice talking to you too.

OLIVER: I would also like to point out the fact that it isn’t my fault my brother is slut and an idiot.

BRODY: Who’re you calling an idiot? (BRODY walks over side-by-side with ROBBIE).

OLIVER: You! What happened to you guys? Robbie, you’re not mad?

ROBBIE: I mean, I was, but then your brother explained that he didn’t even want to go out with Tom over me and he wanted to set you up with a good guy. Soooo… I see no downsides, he chose me, and did something nice for my brother.

BRODY: Seeeeeee! Not a slut or an idiot but a selfless good guy (he smiles triumphantly).

TOM: Yeah maybe I should’ve seen the twin thing sooner. He’s much more cocky.

ROBBIE: (whispering) I’ve seen pictures he has a reason to b-

BRODY covers Robbie’s mouth with his hand and looks visible red and embarrassed

BRODY: AAANNNNNDDDDD on that note I think we’re gonna take our leave. Are you guys gonna make up or should I leave you my card for a vodka soda?

OLIVER looks at TOM who turns away

OLIVER: I think that means yes, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be having a repeat of last night.

TOM: Wait….Last night?

ROBBIE: (Laughs) Yeah you were pretty smashed when TOM asked you to dance.

Everyone looks at ROBBIE confused

BRODY: Last night? You saw Oli last night?

ROBBIE: Yeah now that I see you guys and think about it. I thought he was you at first but he came up to the bar in different clothes when I was tending, and downed a vodka soda. (He turns to OLIVER) I’m pretty sure now that it was you. Remember Tom? You tried to talk to him before his friends huddled around him.

TOM: Oh that’s right. That was you?

OLIVER & BRODY: THAT WAS YOU!?!

BRODY: Damn you think you charm someone and then they try to flirt with your brother.

TOM: (Shoots BRODY a glare with a raised eyebrow) I’m familiar with the feeling.

OLIVER: (To BRODY) You didn’t see the guy that talked to me?!

BRODY: No, our friends just told me after the fact. Small world, so you guys kind of did meet.

TOM: (sighs) I guess we did. I’m sorry…

OLIVER: It’s okay.

(pause)

BRODY: Well we’ll see you guys (hands OLIVER his credit card back).

ROBBIE: Let us know how it goes.

(pause)

OLIVER: Well, I’ll let you get back to it… Unless there’s something I can do to change your mind?

TOM: …Well… you could let me clock you in the face?

OLIVER: Wait… like… like hit me?

TOM: Something like that. That seems like it taught you not to lie last time.

OLIVER: …That’s it?

TOM: Yep, only one for the night and then I’ll forgive you.

OLIVER: Look I’m not gonna-

TOM turns to walk away

OLIVER: Okay Okay… but… make it quick please (OLIVER closes his eyes and waits for the impact)

There is a pause and TOM doesn’t wind a punch back but instead leans in, grabs the small of OLIVER’s back to pull him close and kisses him.

When the kiss finishes OLIVER opens his eyes and they’re glazed over

OLIVER: You kissed me…

TOM: I (TOM makes air quotes with his fingers) “clocked” you in the face (he laughs).

OLIVER: I’m not complaining but how is that “teaching me a lesson” (OLIVER uses air quotes).

TOM: Because I also said it was the only one you’d get for the rest of the night.

OLIVER: The rest of the night?

TOM; Yep (He grabs OLIVER’s hand and pulls him back towards the restaurant) Let’s go back inside.

(pause in dialogue as they walked side-by-side towards the restaurant)

So, I hear you like Vodka sodas?

OLIVER: They’re okay… I’m not a big drinker though.

THE END